It’s something that has mystified me for all the years I’ve lived here in Montreal. During the summer months or what is ostensibly called “Construction Season” in Quebec, mysterious pylons appear all over the city. Roads are blocked off, sidewalks closed, indecipherable detour signs (often leading in circles) appear and strange directions are hysterically broadcast to avoid unavoidable city sections.
However, this “Construction” part of the “Construction Season” goes incredibly slow. The pylons stick around for months and there are very few street construction crews to be seen. It’s almost as if the workers are invisible. The work somehow plods along haltingly. It’s like the thought that if you look at a watched kettle it never boils, the urgency of fixing any issue in the city crawls to a halt the more you look at it or want it done. Obviously Montreal street construction obey laws of relativity that I am unaware of and which would probably astound Einstein himself. But then again, as the nights get longer and the city inches towards our first snowfall, construction hits a pace of urgency that seems to be lacking throughout the rest of the year.
Montrealers, Tourists, wonder no more, as I have deduced what is happening.
You see, the Montreal Street Construction Crews are actually legions of the undead. Yes, you heard it right here. The Construction Crews are filled with daylight avoiding vampires, ghouls and other undead. It’s an ingenious attempt by our city council to tap a previously untapped potential.
Now granted, I don’t have definitive proof. I am slightly nervous at approaching a construction crew member lest they decide that I am actually good juicy food.
So here’s my reasoning:
1. Construction is slowest during the longest days of the year. Previously we all thought that it was because the nice hot weather was keeping construction crews from operating and enjoying vacation. Not at all. The undead cannot go out in the day, naturally the working hours for our frustrated dead brethren is rather short. No wonder the pylons pile up and no work gets done.
2. Pylons appear out of nowhere in the night time and there’s hardly anyone working during the day. Here I thought people were taking copious breaks or potentially the city could not get enough workers. No my friends, it’s actually that the undead crew must work during the night. It is why things go slow. But naturally they have to wait till after 1am to start work. Oh poor souls.
3. Again traffic jams on the streets at 2 or 3 in the morning, how else could it be explained.
4. The slow progress at getting anything done around the city! We all know that the undead are rather stupid and lusting after blood and live humans. Naturally this is why it takes forever. Have you ever tried to get a zombie to do anything useful other than eat your brains?
5. The crumbling nature of our concrete. Obviously the undead need to eat and occaisionally they kill humans and put them into the mix. I had thought this previously to do with the mafia and its penchant for dropping dead bodies into the concrete mixer, but really when you think about it. vampires must be to blame. Never trust a vampire.
I do have to hand it to our city council and mayor. I had no idea that you could keep something like this a secret, but then, what an amazingly brilliant idea. I applaud you. I applaud you.